I Can’t Say “No”—Overcoming one of the most common hidden beliefs holding us back
By Muriel M. Wilkins

Saying “no” is something that many people grapple with at work and in their career. 

Dealing with this hidden blocker – what I call the beliefs that hold us back—can be tricky because serving others can be rewarding. And let’s face it, most people love having someone around who always says yes. I know this all too well, and I’ve done enough self-work to know where my own drive to say yes comes from. I come from a family where acts of service were the love language of choice. While it made us very giving and instilled a desire to help others, at times it created a false sense of closeness based on obligation rather than true connection.

Not surprisingly, I carried this pattern into my adult life, both personally and professionally. My belief was that if I came through for others and said yes to their requests, even when it wasn’t what I wanted or it wasn’t aligned with my goals, things would work out because they’d come through for me when I needed them to. At least that was the story I told myself. It wasn’t until I went through some painful experiences when that belief did not prove true that I started questioning it. 

I went out of my way to help others reach their goals and yet when it was my turn, they didn’t reciprocate. I said yes to decisions I didn’t agree with to appease colleagues, and they still did what best served them without regard for my interests. I said yes to numerous work projects, only to feel resentful and overextended once the work got started. Throughout each of these experiences, I’d been waiting for others to reciprocate and start saying yes to me.

It took many times around this same block before I realized the onus was on me to break the pattern and advocate for myself. I realized the main reason I said yes to so many demands was because I didn’t want to face the discomfort of disappointing others and the accompanying guilt. I didn’t want anyone to “feel bad,” and as a result I opted to make myself feel bad instead. Ultimately, I realized that if I didn’t expand my mindset from “I can’t say no,” I’d forever be caught in the false pretense that I had to put others’ needs above my own to succeed.

Growing up in a community that expects you to prioritize the needs of others is a common reason people develop the belief that they can’t say no. And if you were reprimanded for disagreeing with the group, or if saying no was tantamount to disloyalty, the belief can be even more entrenched. 

Similarly, growing up in an enmeshed family, where being close means having no boundaries and children are responsible for the happiness, self-worth, and well-being of their adult caregivers, can also easily give rise to the belief that you can’t say no. Indeed, saying no in either of these scenarios carries a real risk of exclusion or rejection. The individual who dares buck the system—by insisting on healthy boundaries, prioritizing their own needs and goals, or declining a request—can be left with feelings of guilt, shame, and a diminishment of their own self-worth, which was built on the scaffolding of pleasing others and meeting their needs.

It’s worth remembering that even if you were lucky enough to be born into the most loving and well-adjusted of families, it can still be difficult to say no. Many people are deeply conflict averse, and all of us have a primal desire to be liked and included. If we fear that saying no will cause tension or displeasure, will hurt someone’s feelings or disappoint them, or will make us seem rude, selfish, or difficult, we will say yes rather than risk hurting others or potentially jeopardizing our place in the group. Research has shown that our need to be included is so strong that many people will agree to do things they don’t want to do to avoid the risk of displeasing others.

At root, these fears boil down to our primal fear of not belonging. Our brains are wired to avoid anything that has the potential to ostracize us from the group, because back in our evolutionary history, not belonging meant a loss of resources and safety. It’s no wonder that saying no can feel like a risk not worth taking.

There are also fears that are specific to our work context that give rise to this hidden blocker. For example, you may fear that saying no will put your job at risk, that you’ll be labeled as not being a team player, that you’ll be outperformed by someone who will say yes, that you’ll be overlooked for recognition, that the opportunity won’t come up again, or that saying no will harm a relationship with a colleague. None of these fears is surprising, given that society, and work culture especially, tells us that we get ahead by saying yes—and that saying no means we’ll lose the traction we’ve gained.

Then, sometimes, saying yes when we want to say no comes down to a simple matter of expediency. You want to get back to what you were doing, you want to get out of a conversation, or you don’t want to explain why you said no, so it’s just easier and quicker to say yes and deal with the consequences later.

Just don’t forget, advises clinical psychologist Emily Anhalt, that “your ability to accommodate others isn’t an endless well.” Whatever the source of this hidden blocker and whatever continues to reinforce it, those who can’t say no will eventually hit a wall. Maybe they’re stretched so thin that their performance suffers, or they’re unable to scale, or they miss out on a desirable opportunity because they’re already overextended, or they’re simply exhausted from doing too many things. 

Or maybe, like me, they faced painful consequences from this belief and realize they need to do something different. They need to not only say no more often but start saying yes more judiciously, according to their strategic goals.

For me, saying no is still a constant practice. Hidden blockers can be deeply ingrained and never completely leave you. But if you can become aware of them and how they’re preventing you from reaching your goals—and respond differently when they try to take over— it makes all the difference in how you lead. Saying no is about setting a boundary and advocating for yourself.

In the words of writer and therapist Prentis Hemphill, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” In other words, you can have boundaries that serve you and the other even if it means not doing as they asked. But setting those boundaries requires being clear about what matters most to you and then acting accordingly. 

The key to saying no at work is to set boundaries in a way that is authentic to you, preserves your key relationships, and supports your personal and professional goals, while at the same time adding value in your role. If you think the “I can’t say no” hidden blocker is currently holding you back, begin by identifying how this specific belief shows up for you and naming it. Then, take your belief and reframe it in a way that preserves your boundaries and supports your goals.

Reprinted by permission of Harvard Business Review Press. Excerpted from Leadership Unblocked: Break Through the Beliefs That Limit Your Potential by Muriel M. Wilkins. Copyright 2025 Muriel Maignan Wilkins. All rights reserved.

Muriel M. Wilkins is the founder and CEO of Paravis Partners, a sought-after C-suite adviser and executive coach, and author of the bestselling book LEADERSHIP UNBLOCKED: Break Through the Beliefs That Limit Your Potential (Harvard Business Review Press).